ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
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Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
don't judge my taste in strippers
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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