Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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