Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
