i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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