I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
