So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
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Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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