hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
