I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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