mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
