3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
