I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
