what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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