I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
