It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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