The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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