I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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