Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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