he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
