do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
