my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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