btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
