You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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