someone threw a dead crab at me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
