My sheets look like a crime scene.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
