i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
