Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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