That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
