I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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