It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
