Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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