i was born a porn star she said
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
50% drunk capacity currently
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
