I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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