I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
