This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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