Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
