Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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