Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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