what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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