when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
