Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
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If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
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I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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