i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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