you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
