In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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