i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
