Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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