Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My dick has a subreddit
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
