When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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