I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
