i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
