He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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