I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
