The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
