I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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