4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you win again, gameday.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
