the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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